In recent years, we’ve heard the term “aftercare” quite a bit when it comes to sex. While its origins are in the BDSM community, aftercare — meaning caring for one’s partner(s) after sex — is something that everyone should consider exploring. One doesn’t have to come out of a hot and intense BDSM session to crave the care and intimacy of feeling appreciated and respected. Orgasms, no matter how you achieve them, are the quintessential high and coming down from such a height can make people feel vulnerable, a level of vulnerability that deserves some proper cuddling as well as some pillow talk. Not only is it the icing on the cake of the entire sexual experience, but it’s another way to communicate. When it comes to all sex acts, communication is absolutely key.
“Aftercare is a phrase most commonly used in the BDSM community,” says Taylor Sparks, an erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, one of the largest BIPOC-owned intimacy shops online. “It refers to the ‘care’ that is given to bottoms and submissives ‘after’ an intense [sexual] interaction or scene, like impact play, humiliation, bondage, role play, and [similar acts].”
But just because you haven’t experienced such intensity like impact play or humiliation, it doesn’t mean that your sex life should be void of aftercare. At the end of the day, aftercare is for everyone—even those who may consider themselves the most vanilla of the vanilla, sexually speaking.
The Origins of Aftercare
Although experts and BDSM enthusiasts do agree that aftercare is something mostly associated with the BDSM community, the exact origin of the practice is a bit muddy.
“It’s unclear to pinpoint the origins of aftercare,” says Dr. Valerie Poppel, clinical sexologist, co-founder of the Integrated Social & Sexual Health Institute, a school for clinical sexologist certification. “However, most BDSM practitioners would agree the practice is common among the community.” According to Dr. Poppel, the reason aftercare has become such a major and essential part of the kink community is due to the emotional and mental dip that one might feel after playtime has concluded. “It allows the couple to communicate and release after a scene,” says Dr. Poppel.
While those outside the BDSM community may not fully understand just how deep role-play and scenes can go, depending on what’s being practiced or acted out, people can slip into other personalities, becoming other versions of themselves for the sake of pleasure. Once that pleasure is over and the curtain drops, so to speak, partners resume being the person they are outside the bedroom.
“Aftercare allows the parties to return to a normal state of mind and deal with any emotions that may arise during the scene,” explains Dr. Poppel. “Usually, during playtime, we are taking on a persona that may be different than our own and we may need time to return back to our regular self.” It doesn’t matter whether you’re a dom or sub, you may need to decompress and navigate certain emotions that have arisen. It’s the aftercare ritual that allows for the process to occur in a safe and honest space.
After a BDSM scene, some people may experience what’s known as the drop. It’s sometimes referred to as the sub drop or dom drop, depending on the role the partner played, or “The Mondays,” according to BDSMWiki. “This experience is due to the drop of hormones and endorphins that are released during the play,” says Dr. Poppel. With this, can come a whole spectrum of emotions, including sadness, exhaustion, disorientation, and even tears—all of which are normal and natural. On the other hand, some people may come out the other side totally intact.
Aftercare is about recovering from a good time; a time that for some in the BDSM community is therapeutic. Research has found that there’s a biochemical reason for the urge to partake in such intense and what was once considered “pathological” acts. So similar to coming out of a therapy session, there’s that psychological need to take a deep breath, recap what was talked about (or in this case experienced), and get some closure.
How Everyone Can Benefit from Aftercare
It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve had sex or how many people you’ve gone to bed with, sex is an intimate act. Not everyone you meet knows how you sound when you come or how you look in certain sexual positions. Perhaps, maybe your neighbors know how you sound during sex, but you probably know how they sound too. However, no matter how you look at it, it’s still something that has levels of intimacy to it that most other acts do not. Because of this, reveling in affection afterward is, frankly, very human.
“Who, in my opinion, does not want to be/feel cared for? After an amazing sexual experience, and our hormones are at an all-time high, to take the time to continue the bond as you come down from that high will bring you closer,” says Sparks, adding that offering things like cuddles, snacks, water, and other things that extend the session keep those involved connected after the physical act of sex has ended. “Discussing what just happened between you can also be an ideal, especially if you two have tried something new together,” says Sparks.
Aftercare is ultimately a check-in with your partner, in addition to being a recap of events that were experienced together. This isn’t to suggest that a midday quickie doesn’t have its place, but when you’ve spent a period of time having sex with someone, aftercare should come just as naturally as a bookend.
The Perks of Practicing Aftercare
Depending on the needs and wants of each partner, the perks of including aftercare in your sex life can vary. For some, it’s the need to feel the physical closeness of one’s partner’s body, while for others it can be less about cuddling and more about talking as a means of sharing the aftercare.
“The perks of aftercare are the emotional and physical support you can give to your partner,” says Dr. Poppel. “Aftercare is an extremely intimate experience that will deepen the intimate relationship between the parties… explore what’s coming up for them [and] take the time to support them emotionally.” It’s these moments that allow both parties to feel close and vulnerable—something that further enhances the experience that was shared together.
Sex, as well as intimacy can conjure up a lot of feelings, especially when that drop is experienced. It’s not uncommon for someone to find themselves, or their partner, on a rollercoaster of emotions afterward. Talking it out, being there for each other, and enjoying each other’s company after the fact is a perk unto itself. It’s an emotional high-five, if you will, that a good time was had and now it’s time to relish in it.
How to Incorporate It into Your Sex Life
As is the case with all sexual relationships, the first step to incorporating aftercare into your sex life is by having the conversation. Explain to your partner how taking time after sex to check-in, cuddle, and basically debrief will be beneficial for you both. “Not a lot of folks know about aftercare, let alone take the steps to ensure all parties are feeling OK after sex,” says Sparks. “After talking about it, you can begin asking your partner what they would enjoy in an aftercare routine.”
A good place to start is by looking at what you and your partner do now after sex. Does one of you get up, go to the other room, and turn on the TV? Does your partner (or you) roll over immediately after sex and go to sleep? Is it something you do quickly before running out the door to work?
“Aftercare starts by not rolling over and going to sleep after sexual play,” says Dr. Poppel. “Take the time to set an emotional and physical aftercare ritual.” How you choose to do this together, whether simple or elaborate, is up to you and your partner. Like sex itself, there’s no one-size-fits-all aftercare.
It's important to not take this time with your sexual partner for granted. While it may come after the actual sexual acts, it doesn’t mean it’s not part of sex. It’s a chance to enjoy the physical and emotional connection, bond, and show respect and appreciation—even if it’s just a one-night stand. Aftercare makes the whole experience complete.