Orgasm shy? Here's the science behind why you can't climax with a partner as easily as when you're solo

Have you ever been with someone you really like, but when the time comes, you just can’t seem to reach the big O in the bedroom? It’s called being orgasm shy — and trust us, it's not just a you thing. A lot of folks — granted, mainly women and people with vulvas — seem to be able to get there solo, but can’t orgasm with their partners. 

According to one study, 50 percent of women say they have difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner, while 10 to 15 percent of women have never even had an orgasm. 

“In my experience, this is very common,” Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist and the founder of sexual wellness brand Bloomi tells PSYN, “especially when you are not fully comfortable in your own pleasure and/or being intimate with your partner.”

What can be done if over half of us aren’t getting there with our partners? Is there a way to break out of being orgasm shy? With the help of Story, plus intimacy expert Catherine Drysdale, we break down the causes of it, and most importantly, how to combat it, below.

What is being 'orgasm shy'?

OK, so you can’t orgasm during partnered sex. Is that being ‘orgasm shy’? Well, not entirely.

It turns out, according to Drysdale, the term ‘orgasm shy’ refers to the experience of approaching orgasm during partnered sex but being unable to fully release and reach climax. It’s not just that you’re not having an orgasm, but that you’re almost there, and then it seems to disappear into thin air. 

How common is not being able to have orgasms with partners, but being able to solo? 

As we mentioned already, being orgasm shy is very common. 

“When we’re alone, we often have more control over the environment and what turns us on — like watching specific content, listening to audio erotica, or using vibrators, toys, and lube in ways that feel just right,” Drysdale explains.

Plus, when it’s just you, she adds, there’s no worry if it’s taking a while or if you haven’t shaved — your vibrator won’t judge!

“With a partner, however, the dynamic changes: performance anxiety, different techniques, or overthinking can make it harder to reach climax,” she goes on to say, “While less common, some people only orgasm with a partner due to the emotional connection and shared intimacy, which can heighten arousal.”

Is there science behind why this happens? 

Absolutely. But why? The brain is a major player in the orgasm process.

During solo play, it’s often easier to remain in a relaxed state that supports arousal, thanks to the parasympathetic nervous system being in control. However, Drysdale says that during partnered sex, stressors such as performance anxiety or overthinking can activate the sympathetic nervous system, which is part of the body’s stress response. 

In one study of women who have difficulties reaching orgasm with partners, they self-described as having: stress, anxiety, insufficient arousal, lack of time during sex, body image, pain and inadequate lubrication — which can all come from a lack of relaxation. 

“This shift can inhibit the release of key hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, which are essential for reaching orgasm,” she explains. “When the stress response is triggered, cortisol levels increase, making it difficult to stay relaxed enough for climax.”

Naturally, when we add that many women are not yet comfortable with sexual communication, making authentic noises, and moving how we want — because of societal norms, expectations, stigmas and so on — we can't possibly reach maximum arousal, Story adds.

8 tips for those who want to have partnered orgasms

If you’re someone who is orgasm shy, but wants to have partnered Os, here are eight expert-approved tips on how to get there.

1. Practice self-pleasure

Get really, really comfortable with self-pleasure. This one might seem obvious, but if you don’t know what you like in the bedroom, practicing self-pleasure is the best way to get there. Learn and pay attention to your body so you can guide your partner or do it yourself — there’s nothing wrong with that! 

2. Pleasure Mapping

Try your hand at pleasure mapping. Close your eyes and explore your body with different pressures and sensations, Drysdale suggests. Use your fingertips, nails, or fun tools like feathers or ice cubes to discover what feels good. This is about the journey, not just the destination.

3. Communicate

“Adopt sexual communication with your partner,” suggests Story. “If you know what you enjoy and can start to have small conversations about your worries, but also what you enjoy, it will all start to click.”

Share what you learned during your solo exploration with your partner. Be clear about what feels great and how you want to be touched. Use phrases like, “I love it when you do this,” to guide them.

4. Set the Mood

Create an inviting atmosphere. Light candles, play soft music or use scented oils to make the space feel special and relaxing. A comfortable environment can help ease tension.

5. Focus on Foreplay

“Spend plenty of time on foreplay to build arousal,” Drysdale says. Explore each other’s bodies without rushing to intercourse. The more connected you feel, the more likely you are to reach orgasm.

6. Experiment with Toys

These days, it’s really easy to get your hands on great sex toys. Luckily, introducing vibrators or other toys can be a surefire way for women to find their pleasure with or without a partner in the room. 

Beginner-friendly toys like Bloomi’s Massage Clitoral Vibrator or my personal favorite, LELO’s Sona Cruise 2, are especially great if you need ample clitoral stimulation. If you’re more into inner stimulation, I’d recommend Maude’s Spot internal vibe or Bloomi’s Indulge double-sided vibrator. Find a toy that works for you and try it out with your partner!

7. No Pressure

Remember: It’s not just about the orgasm. Mutual pleasure is important. Enjoy the intimacy and connection with your partner. If it happens, great! If not, keep exploring together without judgment.

8. Take Turns

Lastly, Drysdale recommends dedicating time to focus solely on one partner’s pleasure – for as long as it takes. Switch roles in your next session to ensure both partners feel seen and satisfied.

How to talk to your partner about being orgasm shy

Now, perhaps, the best thing you can do if you’re orgasm shy is to talk to your partner. Although it might seem intimidating at first, or like you don’t want to hurt their feelings, it’s the real first step in changing how you view and experience your own pleasure journey.

“Timing, honesty, and frequency all matter,” Story said. “Talk to them when you are both relaxing uninterrupted time together, think date night, cozy couch time, a hike outside.”

Next, simply be honest about your worries and what you want your sex lives to look like together. Talk about how you orgasm now, how you orgasm alone, and what you want their help trying. The key is, the more you talk about it, the more comfortable you'll be discussing topics and working together to get you happily orgasming as often as you want.